Warriors: Into the Weird
by SharpFang
Summary: A group of idiots team together to remake a symbolic novel into a fantasy version of Plan 9 From Outer Space.
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: I don't own Warriors. But I pwn Justin Bieber.**

Rusty stretched himself. He felt his spine dislocate and he slipped into a coma.

His house folk (a near-bald dirty blond forty year old man, potbellied with all his teeth rotten): (whines like 9-year old girl) What happened to my poor little Rustykins?

Doctor: Your cat Fuzzy is currently suffering from 腰椎間板突出. I recommend you listen to Linkin Park while he or she heals.

House folk: What? What was that Japanese word you said? And how should I listen to Lincoln? He's dead since more than a hundred years ago.

Doctor: This further proves your intellectual inferiority. Shall I introduce you to a competent psychiatric doctor? That doctor is better known by the name of me.

House folk: And I thought Rustycatty's little bone problem won't heal by itself.

Doctor: (growls) Reedy does not have a _little_ bone problem. He has _no_ bone problem. It's just that you have to let him rest.

House folk: (shouts) WHAT? ALL I'VE DONE TO MY LITTLE CAT IS TO LET HIM SLEEP ALL THE FUZZING TIME, AND YOU TELL ME TO LET HIM REST _MORE_? I AM SO SICK OF YOU GIVING ME ALL THAT SO-CALLED "_ADVICE_" AND CHARGING ME BIG TIME FOR THIS! I'M TELLING YOU, I WANT NOTHING FROM YOU BUT A HUGE REFUND! OF ALL THE TIMES YOU'VE CHEATED ON THIS! AND ANOTHER $798987979889 IN EMOTIONAL DAMAGES!

House folk's ugly, old wife: I never knew you were emo. Come on, wimp. We're divorcing.

House folk: Who cares? I was cheating on you anyway.

Doctor and wife: (gasp)

House folk: I did it with…

Doctor: (holds breath)

Wife: TELL ME! So I can slaughter her!

House folk: Ah, how I love those adorable little moments when I leave cliffies…

The Sharp: (appears out of nowhere and chucks a hedgehog at house folk) OMG just shut up and get on with the stupid plot! I'm already wasting enough screen time on you, and that means the director will have to pay you more, then I get less money! Besides, I do all the creative work, the director finds all the scenes, and all the actors do is to stand there, do stupid poses, recite a few lines, and you aren't even major!

House folk: (Chased around by huge wolf appearing out of nowhere and a hedgehog rolling toward him) Alright, alright, I'll just get on with it, but get these two away! (squeals as hedgehog rams into him full force and leaves a million holes on him)

The Sharp: OK…

(hedgehog and wolf run out of the back door of stage)

Director: Alright, three, two, one, action!

House folk: So, I am currently with Rusty.

Wife: Oh no… I never knew you would stoop this low…(cries)

Doctor: (faints from surprise)

Nurse: (opens door) Doctor! 123891.1232 patients are waiting for their turn!

Doctor: (recovers) Alright, alright, you two can go. But why didn't you have your pet here?

-Scene 2-

Rusty: (wakes up) OMG what happened? Oh no I just missed the Cats And Dogs Blockbuster TV show! (growls) How did that happen? Why did I fall asleep? Oh great, I'm dead!

Cat flap opens. Smudge in.

Smudge: Oh hi my adorable Rustykins! I've been missing you!

Rusty: WTF…

Smudge: (attempts to groom Rusty)

Rusty: (dodges) God stop fussing over me, disgusting creep!

Smudge: OMG, how did you know I am God? By the way, I just wrote a song for you!

Rusty: What? Hell no, I'm Christian and God is not a crazy schizo cat like you!

Smudge: (ignores Rusty completely) Alright, roadie, get me my guitar!

Random dark brown tom: (comes in through cat flap) Alright mister! (off)

Dark brown tom on with mini-guitar and hands it to Smudge.

Smudge: Alright, listen to Captain Smudge's best tune evaaaa!

Rusty: (facepalm) Oh, what have I done to deserve this?

Smudge: (attempts to play a simple chord three times, and finally gets it right) Applaud for Captain Smudge!

Dark brown tom: (claps)

Rusty: OMG OMG I SO HATE YOU SMUDGE! (jumps into closet and cries)

Smudge: (wails out of tune, resembling Rusty's house folk singing)

I am Captain Smudge,

I am awesome,

I love waffles!

(Plays three random notes off-key and sings along with the notes even more off-key)

Bluefur, Bluestar,

Will you love me?

(Attempts the opening riff to Enter Sandman about twenty times slower and gets all notes wrong)

Leopardfur, Leopardstar,

Shall we gather by the river?

And let me sing you

This little siren.

Rusty: (jumps out of closet) You do sound like a siren, though I believe you meant "serenade".

Smudge:(Plays simple chord twice off-key)

Rusty, Rustykins,

I know you know I love you,

And…

(sings Justin Beaver's "Baby")

Rusty: Oh my god, you suck so badly at both guitar and singing.

Smudge: (bawls)

(Rusty pounces on Smudge and rips both his ears off, while clawing Smudge's lower back with hind paws until there was almost no skin left)

Smudge: (runs toward cat flap, wailing) Oh Rusty, you know I love you so much!

Rusty: (pounces again and bites Smudge's tail clean off)

Smudge: (shrieks)

Rusty: (shrieks back through mouthful of fur and blood) GET OUT OF MY FUZZING HOUSE, THIS FUZZING INSTANT! OR ELSE I WILL BREAK YOUR NOSE, CRUSH YOUR LEGS, SHATTER YOUR SPINE AND GOUGE OUT YOUR FUZZING EYES!

Smudge off

-Scene 3-

Rusty: Grrrrrrr where is my stupid house folk.

House folk: (pushes door open and kicks Rusty) YOU!

Rusty: (dodges) What?

House folk: DON'T YOU LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT! LOOK, EVERYTHING IS YOUR FAULT! I HAD TO PAY THE STUPID VET $21873913791823192837289 EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T RECEIVE ANY TREATMENT FROM -

Director: CUT! You, you're taking way too much screen time. You've cost four times more money than all the props since you keep going overtime without me telling you to and you are supposed to have given way to the fourth scene already, and if you stay here any longer, I will annihilate you and make you wish you've never been alive!

The Sharp: Yes, you, what's-your-stupid-name, and the more time you stay on here, the more money the director will have to pay you, and the less money _I _get!

A skinny pale gray tom with very long fur, amber eyes and a white underbelly appears and throws house folk out of window.

Director: Thanks, Graypaw. 3, 2, 1, ACTION!

-Scene 3-

Smudge: (standing on top of fence) Hey, Henry!

Henry (plump cream-colored kittypet tom, lazy and whiny, resembles Justin Beaver): (lying on flank, snoring) You are disturbing me sleeping. Go away or I'll make you.

Smudge: Not only have you lost your strength after visiting the vet, you have also lost your brain. Do you think you, and all that fat, could ever catch me?

Henry: (yawns) Alright, alright. What are talking about?

Smudge: Alright, so this is the song I wrote.

Henry: Wow, I never knew cats could write.

Smudge: This further proves your intellectual inferiority.

Doctor: (randomly appears) HEY! YOU STOLE MY LINE!

The Sharp: (screams) GOD JUST GET OUT OF HERE! I WROTE THE SCRIPT, ALONG WITH THE DIRECTOR WHAT'S-HIS-NAME, AND WHO CARES IF YOU SAID THAT LINE OR NOT!

Doctor is dragged out by two muscular security men

Graypaw: (appears from stage's back door) Thanks for the help. By the way, could you two get the props for the forest scene ready?

The two security men leave, doctor being dragged after

Director: Thanks, you two. 3, 2, 1, action!

Henry: Sing the song, then.

Smudge: (attempts the simple chord and breaks a string)

(wails loudly)

I am Captain Smudge,

I am so awesome,

I love peas,

I love waffles!

(plays two notes off key and sings along, but coughs instead)

Bluefur, Bluestar,

Will you love me? (breaks another string)

(Attempts first five notes of opening riff to Enter Sandman fifty times slower and gets all notes wrong)

Leopardfur, Leopardstar, (breaks third string)

Shall we gather by (breaks fourth string)

The river (gets pricked by the broken strings and starts bleeding)

And let me sing you (throws away guitar)

This little siren.

Rusty, Rustykins,

I know you know I love you,

And…

(sings Justin Beaver's "Baby")

Henry: Oh. I liked it.

Smudge: (cries in happiness) OMG OMG I THANK YOU SO MUCH! By the way, do you want to know how I got these scars?

Henry: Um…no. Not really.

Smudge: I sang the song to Rusty.

Henry: The Rusty verse only?

Smudge: No. The whole thing.

Henry: No wonder. When you go to Bluefur and Leopardfur (mutters) weird names, (speaks) only sing the verse about them. Go into "Baby" after that, and you'll have a bigger chance of succeeding.

Smudge: After going to the vet, I thought you were no longer interested in she-cats.

Henry: Of course not. I count as one of them now.

Smudge: (jumps back in shock and steps on guitar, which breaks his foot) WHAT?

Henry: Look, toms are cats, and she-cats are cats too, so that means toms _are_ she-cats.

Smudge: Oh, I see now. Thanks. (turns away and mutters) Featherbrained fool.

-Scene 4.1-

Bluestar: Stupid fuzzing rabbit! (shows scratched shoulder to Spottedleaf)

Spottedleaf: Yeah right, I know that you wished Tigerclaw killed it for you!

Bluestar: (angry) Are you questioning your leader? (mutters to camera) Tigerclaw did kill the rabbit, as a matter of fact. I'll exhort Redtail to make him deputy after I die, or he will become deputy after Redtail dies. Whichever comes first.

Spottedleaf: What? Didn't hear you.

Director: CUT! Good take! You two, Smudge, Rusty and Henry are the best actors so far.

-Scene 4.2-

Redtail: Cats of ThumpClan!

Director: Cut! It's ThunderClan. 3, 0, action!

Redtail: Cats of ThunderClan! I will bring Tigerclaw, Ravenpaw, Longtail and Mousefur to Sunningrocks. The rest… I won't waste time telling you where to go since this is an abridged series.

Redtail, Ravenpaw, Tigerclaw, Mousefur and Longtail leave through camp entrance.

Director: CUT! Good take! You all are good actors!

Ravenpaw: OMG THANK YOU! (faints from joy)

Tigerclaw: Get a grip on yourself, stupid.

-Scene 4.3-

Redtail: Stupid RiverClan cats! They can't stalk, run or pounce, so they'll just have to soak in water and rot their brains!

Tigerclaw: Well said, Redtail. You'll need every bit of that wisdom when I'm going to kill you.

Redtail: (spins around bristling, claws unsheathed) WHAT? EXCUSE ME?

Tigerclaw: Er…(looks around wildly) it was Oakheart. OAKHEART! HOW DARE YOU THREATEN REDTAIL?

Oakheart: (puzzled) How did you know I'm here?

Tigerclaw: HA! I am so smart! ThunderClan, attack!

Redtail: I thought I was the deputy?

Oakheart: How on earth are you said?

Tigerclaw: What!

Stonefur: I think he meant-

Oakheart: How the hell are you said? You are very busy to care, teachers. (_**author's note: I took it from the original Japanese transcript to the Zero Wing video game, best known for coining All Your Base Are Belong To Us. I translated it to Chinese, then put it in as Japanese, then translated the Chinese result into English. Same goes for the rest of RiverClan's mangled speech)**_

Ravenpaw: I don't understand him.

Redtail: Can't he speak cat?

Oakheart: Change river main team government!

RiverClan pounce onto ThunderClan.

Redtail: What?

Longtail: (whimpers) Manned invasion system structure. Redtail! And signals their arrival.

Tigerclaw: The stupidness must have infected him.

Stonefur: All your territory are belong to O Kokuda.

Mousefur: What!

Mistyfoot: I think he meant Oakheart.

Tigerclaw swipes at Stonefur.

Oakheart: Destructive way you are to.

Random RiverClan cat: Do the best to survive, you will cherish the example of destruction. (bites into Mousefur, hauls her off another random cat and pins her down)

Tigerclaw pushes Stonefur down the rocks and pounces onto Oakheart, dragging him down the rocks.

Oakheart: Grr! (slithers out and swats at Tigerclaw's nose)

Tigerclaw falls and Oakheart pounces onto Redtail, dragging him off Stonefur

Longtail: AAH! (Stonefur and Mistyfoot pounce onto him)

Tigerclaw pounces onto cat attacking Mousefur. He drags him off and rips his pelt out.

Director: (mutters) I'll kill that retailer. He said the costume would stick onto the skin!

Redtail: ThunderClan, retreat!

Tigerclaw: Redtail, I thought we were supposed to let it go on for a longer time.

Redtail: Really?

Mousefur: OMG LET ME GO YOU FUZZING FISH BREATH! REMEMBER LONGTAIL I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! REMEMBER ME! (dragged away by random RiverClan cats)

Longtail: (dodges Stonefur and jumps over Mistyfoot) MOUSEFUR I'M SAVING YOU!

Tigerclaw: Ah, the stupid impulses of _love_.

Ravenpaw: (gets flung over Tigerclaw's head) AAAAAH TIGERCLAW SAVE ME! THAT FOX DUNG-STUFFED STONEFUR THREW ME DOWN FROM THE ROCKS!

Tigerclaw: (reaches up and grabs Ravenpaw) STONEFUR I'M GETTING YOU FOR THIS!

Stonefur: Shouldn't you be teaching Ravenpaw a lesson for using foul language?

Tigerclaw: OH YEAH! RAVENPAW, YOU WILL BE CLEANING THE ELDERS' DEN AND NURSERY FOR THE NEXT TWO MOONS!

Ravenpaw: WTF…

**Please review! Flames will be used to toast Justin Beaver.**


	2. Smudge's Serenade

**So this is the update. Alright, enjoy! Note: Contains spoilers from Bluestar's Prophecy. In this story, Tigerclaw is innocent, but he is very petty.**

Rusty: OMG I SO HATE MY LIFE! (runs into forest)

Graypaw: (on) Intruder! Get out of my territory!

Rusty: This isn't your territory! There are other cats here.

Graypaw: How do you know? (backs away)

Rusty: I'm psychic. (stares into Graypaw's eyes)

Graypaw: What a creep.

Rusty: LET ME HUNT HERE! OR ELSE I WILL HAUNT YOU FOREVER!

Graypaw: (slumps to ground dazed) What the…?

Rusty crouches down and stalks mouse. He pounces but the mouse flees.

Graypaw: WAIT! YOU ARE SCARING OFF PREY!

Rusty: What? The prey isn't yours. I'm sure the mouse doesn't belong to you, or else you wouldn't hunt it.

Graypaw: SHUT UP, PREY STEALER!

Rusty: I TOLD YOU, THIS STUPID PIECE OF FUZZING PREY ISN'T YOURS!

Graypaw pounces on Rusty. They tussle.

Rusty: TAKE BACK YOUR COMMENT ON ME STEALING YOUR PREY! OR ELSE I WILL FIGHT AND KILL YOU!

Graypaw: Try, kitty.

Smudge on.

Rusty: DIE! UNCIVILIZED CAT! DIE!

Smudge: (speaks in Justin Beaver tone) Rusty, why are you fighting? That's a no, no. Come, come, let Captain Smudge bring you home.

Rusty: SHUT UP! (rolls onto back and flattens Graypaw)

Graypaw: Oof! (lets go of Rusty's shoulders)

Smudge: Oh Rusty, let's go back now. Why are you attacking such a cute cat? What if their house folk comes to get you?

Rusty: He's one of the wild cats. Really, he isn't really dangerous. (mutters) At least not as unpredictable as you, disgusting homo stalker.

Graypaw: Who are you? (eyes Smudge with disgust) You are another kittypet, right? I see your fat, under your soft kitty fur. By the way, you stink even more of Twoleg than him.

Smudge: You…you, you are SO mean! (cries and runs away)

Rusty: Phew.

Graypaw: (turns to Rusty) Is he some sort of gay stalker?

Rusty nods.

Graypaw: He's disgusting.

Rusty nods again.

Graypaw: Can you do anything other than nodding?

Rusty nods…for the third time.

Graypaw: SERIOUSLY!

Rusty nods…AGAIN!

Graypaw: (tired) You want to know about the clans?

Rusty: Yes.

Graypaw: So I am a ThunderClan cat.

Rusty: ThumpClan cat.

Graypaw: ThunderClan.

Rusty: I know. So?

Graypaw: There are four Clans.

Rusty: And?

Graypaw: There are RiverClan, who swim all the time and eat fish. (makes a face) And WindClan, who live on the wide and windy moor. (shudders) They eat rabbits almost all of the time. ShadowClan, better known as our enemies, live in marshy pine forests. They eat frogs and snakes. Bleh!

Rusty: What do you TongueClan cats eat?

Graypaw: _ThunderClan_ eats squirrels, mice and birds. We live in thick warm forest and hunt with our stealth, which is born into us.

Rusty: Cool!

Bluestar, Whitestorm and Lionheart on. Graypaw and Rusty do not notice them.

Graypaw: I can taste my mentor's scent. Quick, run!

Bluestar: (jumps out) Graypaw!

Lionheart: Why are you so close to TWOLEGPLACE?

Whitestorm: (appears, sneezing and hitting his head on the trees) A-A-A-AAAAAAA-A-A-AA-AAA-AAAAAAAAATCHOO! (slurs) Who is this, Graypaw? (faints)

Bluestar: Apparently, he's been overdosing on stale catmint again. (sighs)

Lionheart: Wake up, WHITESTORM!

Rusty: Should I go?

Bluestar: NO! You are to explain when you arrived, the first time you came here, the prey you've ever caught, why are you here, how you will pay back, what damage you've done…(rambles)

Rusty: Er…

Graypaw: (nudges Rusty) Just explain yourself.

Rusty: I only came here to look. I didn't catch anything. By the way, there's enough to go around, isn't there?

Bluestar: Yes, but we prefer not having to smell Twolegs all the time.

Director; CUT! Bluestar, you are supposed to shout at him for saying that. 3, action!

Bluestar: (bristling) WHAT? GO AROUND? THERE IS NO PREY TO GO AROUND! THUNDERCLAN IS A HUGE CLAN. THE SIZE OF OUR TERRITORY IS SMALL COMPARED TO THE CAPACITY OF OUR BELLIES. AND THE OTHERS KEEP COMING TO STEAL PREY! TAPE, INC. IS A HUGE BUSINESS. OUR PROFIT IS SMALL COMPARED TO OUR COSTLY METHODS OF WORKING. AND THE OTHERS KEEP COMING TO STEAL OUR BUSINESS!

Graypaw: What she means is you are killing us by stealing prey.

Rusty: I am sorry for the trouble I have caused. I didn't realize that taking prey here could endanger you.

Lionheart: Cool, KITTYPET. You are smart and considerate - for a kitty, at LEAST!

Rusty: Really? Thanks.

Bluestar: You are an unusual kittypet, Rusty.

Rusty: How did you know my name?

Bluestar: Because I am psychic.

Rusty: (quickly reacts) Oh. I sensed that aura around you.

Lionheart: That was cool, RESTY!

Whitestorm: (wakes up) AAH! ShadowClan are invading! (pounces onto Lionheart)

Bluestar: STOP IT!

Whitestorm: (slurs again) What? ! (faints again)

Bluestar: To think you are actually my nephew…(sighs)

Lionheart: Snowfur wasn't STUPID. Thistleclaw was bloodthirsty, not STUPID. None of his ancestors enjoyed overdosing on CATMINT. Where did his genes come FROM?

Whitestorm: (wakes up again) OMGOMGSTARKITISHERE!

Bluestar: Oh shut up.

Lionheart: So, young kitty, do you want to join THUNDERCLAN?

Rusty: Er…I'll think about it.

Lionheart: Alright. Tomorrow, meet me here at sunhigh if you're interested.

Rusty: Kay.

-Scene 2-

At Twolegplace.

Smudge: Where has my Rustykins gone?

Henry: Just get over him. He never deserved you.

Smudge: Speaking of it…AH! Henry, please, will you be my mate?

Henry: No thanks. These things are not to my interest.

Smudge: (disappointed) Oh.

Smudge off.

* * *

Smudge: This forest sure is weird.

Longtail: HALT! Whatcha name?

Smudge: I am Smudge. I need to see a cat called Bluestar.

Longtail: Bluestar has better things to do than to waste time seeing kittypets. (turns and leaves)

Smudge follows silently.

Bluestar: Stop! Kittypet, what are you doing here?

Smudge: OMG! Are you Bluestar?

Bluestar: (steps back) You aren't another form of Stargleam, are you? (unsheathes claws)

Smudge: What?

Bluestar: Oh, never mind that.

Smudge: (puts on guitar)

Bluefur, Bluestar,

Will you love me?

Will you my bride be?

Bluestar: AAAH! YOU _ARE_ ANOTHER FORM OF STARGLEAM! GET AWAY FROM ME, PERV!

Longtail: Bluestar? What's happening?

Bluestar: (shouts) This kittypet is such a perv!

Longtail and Bluestar attack Smudge.

Smudge: AAAAH! LET ME GO!

Bluestar: NO! (bites Smudge's shoulder)

Longtail: Kittypet! (rips off a chunk of flesh from Smudge's rump)

Bluestar: Get away from me! (tears off the remains of Smudge's ears)

Smudge: (screeches) !

Longtail: TAKE THAT! (rips off Smudge's tail)

Bluestar: WHITESTORM!

Whitestorm: (stumbles over, catmint scraps still in mouth) Yesbluestar?

Bluestar: This kittypet has been attacking me!

Whitestorm: Whatever. (turns away)

Bluestar: WAIT! HE'S BEEN EATING OUR CATMINT!

Whitestorm: (pounces onto Smudge) YOU UNFORGIVABLE PIECE OF TRASH! GIMME BACK MY PRECIOUS CATMINT! (picks him up and throws him against a bramble bush)

Smudge: (screams) My house folk will come to get you!

Longtail: OH NO THEY WON'T! (picks Smudge up and hits him repeatedly against a tree)

Smudge: AAH!

Bluestar: SHUT UP! (claws Smudge's hind legs)

Longtail: Holy mousetail, this kittypet's butt is even cleaner than Mousefur's!

Bluestar: (rolls eyes) How do you know about Mousefur's butt?

Longtail: I…we…

Whitestorm: (interrupts) GIMME BACK MY CATMINT! (snatches Smudge from Longtail and claws his front legs)

Smudge: AAH! (runs away)

Bluestar: (jaws and claws dripping with blood) Never fought this hard since Pinestar led us to Sunningrocks.

* * *

Rusty: Where is Wipeshark and Lyinghard?

Whitestorm: (stumbles toward Rusty, slurring) And then I pounce on the fox, and I ripped both its ears off. And the fox tried to run, but I…(shouts) WAIT LIONHURL! WHERE ARE YA?

Lionheart: (steps out from bramble bush, thorns in his fur) Never mind HIM. So, are you ready to GO?

Rusty: Okay.

Whitestorm picks up a stale mouthful of catmint and chews. Lionheart plucks thorns out of his fur, and Rusty notices that the bramble bush carried the scent of Smudge.

Rusty: Did a black-and-white fat kittypet come here?

Lionheart: Yes, how did you KNOW? He tried to attack Bluestar and sang some random thing to HER! So I taught him who's BOSS! And how things work HERE?

Rusty: (frowns) Is that a threat?

Lionheart: (shocked) WHAT? What makes you think THAT? (confused)

Rusty: (mutters) I knew I'm the only cat alive that's normal.

-Scene 3-

Spottedleaf: You know, Bluestar, I'm worried-

Bluestar: (interrupts) About Sunningrocks.

Spottedleaf: We should do something!

Bluestar: Like what? Since I became leader, and most of the she-cats, except Mousefur, were in the nursery.

Spottedleaf: I know. It's because Willowpelt gone through all the toms, including apprentices and relatives, and Whitestorm has stopped making out during his catmint adventures.

Bluestar: So what do I do?

Spottedleaf: Um…Let me think. Wait a bit.

Bluestar: Alright. (waits)

Spottedleaf: WAIT! I GOT A SIGN!

Bluestar: And what is it?

Spottedleaf: (faints)

Bluestar: Not again…WAKE UP!

Spottedleaf: (opens eyes)

Bluestar: Phew. I thought you…

Spottedleaf: (in trance) _Fire alone will save the Clan_.

Bluestar: What?

Spottedleaf: (falls to the ground)

Bluestar: Spottedleaf? OMG Are you okay?

Spottedleaf: (gets up) I'm alright. StarClan just sent me a prophecy - Fire alone will save the Clan.

Bluestar: ARE YOU MOUSE-BRAINED? FIRE KILLS US! HAS STARCLAN STARTED TRICKING ME AGAIN?

Director: CUT! Bluestar, you're not supposed to become pagan until the fifth movie.

Bluestar: This _is _the fifth movie, if you've counted the Stargleam movie, the Destinycherryblossom movie, and the other two.

Director: But we scrapped all of them before we even gave you their scripts. And by the way, SharpFang's story is the only story anyone could read without crying, fainting or dying.

Bluestar: If you say so.

Director: Alright. 3, action!

Bluestar: But fire is something feared. How are we supposed to save ourselves with it?

-Scene 4-

Mistypaw: (picks up fish) HA! GOTCHA!

Smudge: (floundering in river) AAAHHHH! BEAUTIFUL SHE-CAT, HELP ME!

Mistypaw: (mutters) What's he doing there in the first place? (dives in)

Mistypaw saves Smudge from drowning.

Smudge: Thanks. (coughs water) Can you take me to Leopardfur?

Mistypaw: Why?

Smudge: Just take me to her.

Mistypaw: Okay. Stonepaw!

Stonepaw steps out of some reeds. They carry Smudge to the RiverClan camp.

* * *

Leopardfur: Mistypaw! Stonepaw! Why are you carrying a wet kittypet?

Mistypaw: He was polluting the river with his Twoleg stench.

Smudge: You have just made an innuendo, you disgusting forest cat.

Leopardfur: But why did you carry the kittypet right here?

Mistypaw: He wanted to see you.

Leopardfur: Oh. (turns to Smudge) What do you want?

Smudge: (finds his guitar from nowhere but does not play)

Leopardfur, Leopardstar,

Shall we gather by

The river where we met,

And let me sing you

This little siren.

Leopardfur: (bristles) I never met you at all, kittypet. You suck at singing. By the way, are you a spy?

Smudge: (shrinks) I better go.

Leopardfur: OH NO YOU WON'T! YOU CROWFOOD-EATING, BALL-LICKING, A*S-KISSING, FEATHERBRAINED PIECE OF SH*T! (pounces onto Smudge)

Oakheart: Guess what I got? EIGHT FISH! Wait…Leopardfur, what the…?

Smudge: AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! SAVE ME HENRY! THE CRAZY SHE-CAT'S COMING TO GET ME! SAVE ME QUINCE! SAVE ME JAKE! SAVE ME RUSTY! SAVE ME HENRY!

Mistypaw: What are we supposed to do?

Leopardfur: GET THIS MANGEPELT OFF ME! (claws Smudge's healing ears)

Smudge: AAAH!

Stonepaw: Great StarClan! I told you kittypets suck. (throws Smudge from RiverClan camp to Twolegplace)

**Hope you enjoyed it! Please review! The next chapter will be up soon.**


	3. What A Perfect Day

**The update. Again, I don't own anything. **

**Note: Darkstripe whines nearly all of his words.**

Lionheart: When is that kitty COMING? (paces around impatiently)

Whitestorm: (slurs)

Ring around a rosie,

Pocket full of daisies…

(talks) WaitabitLionheartwhat'sthenextsentence?

Lionheart: SHUT UP! I'VE BEEN SITTING HERE, WAITING SINCE SUNRISE, FOR THAT CAT TO COME! I CAN BEAR HIM, SINCE HE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE UNTIL SUNHIGH! BUT YOU…WHITESTORM, I JUST CAN'T STAND YOUR STUPIDNESS!

Whitestorm: (quiet, staring)

Lionheart: (glares angrily back)

Whitestorm: (cries) WAAH! LIONHEART DOESN'T LOVE ME! WAAH! HE HATES ME!

Lionheart: (pants) Great StarClan, just shut up and leave me ALONE.

Rusty on.

Rusty: Lionheart?

Lionheart: (foams at mouth) I HATE WHITESTORM! HE IS SOOO ANNOYING!

Rusty: Okay… (slowly backs away)

Lionheart: (shakes head) Anyway, let's go NOW.

Line

Bluestar: By the way, Tigerclaw, can you join me in my den?

Tigerclaw: (confused) Er…you just said I was supposed to hunt alone.

Bluestar: Oh. But that can wait. I need to tell you something.

Tigerclaw: (winks at her) Okay.

Bluestar: (purrs) Let's g-

Whitestorm, Lionheart and Rusty on.

Lionheart: Bluestar, are you THERE? I need to tell you SOMETHING!

Tigerclaw: Bluestar, does this "something" have anything to do with your "something"?

Bluestar: No. (to Whitestorm) Is it that Rusty?

Whitestorm: (soberly) Yes.

Tigerclaw: (bristles) WHAT? THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE CHEATED ON ME. FIRST YOU WENT OFF WITH THRUSHPELT AND HAD THREE LITTERS-

Bluestar: IT WAS THREE _KITS_, NOT THREE LITTERS! AND YOU NEVER TOLD-

Tigerclaw: (interrupts) THEN YOU DID _STUFF_ WITH LIONHEART! AND NOW YOU WALK INTO CAMP WITH A NEW TOY FOR YOURSELF. RIGHT UNDER MY NOSE!

Lionheart: This has nothing to do with your relationship troubles with Bluestar, TIGERCLAW! By the way, Rusty - I finally know his name now - is here to fill in the warrior gap, not to become Bluestar's new PLAYTHING! Great StarClan, Tigerclaw, can't you act more MATURE?

Tigerclaw: Hmph! (goes in warrior den)

Rusty: What was that?

Lionheart: That warrior is Bluestar's -

Loud sobs come from the warriors' den.

Whitestorm: Seems like Spottedleaf will have to give Tigerclaw some more chamomile.

Rusty: Is Tigerclaw usually this unstable?

Lionheart: Unfortunately, YES.

Bluestar: Let all cats old enough to catch their own prey gather for a Clan meeting!

Cats gather.

Rusty pads forward as Lionheart beckons him forward.

Dustpaw: Who is he? A kit?

Ravenpaw: (shivers) H-h-he l-l-l-lo-looks s-so, so b-big and, and d-d-dan-danger-dangerous!

Dustpaw: Shut the fuzz up.

Bluestar: Today, I present this cat to you. He has decided to leave the comfortable life of a kittypet and join our Clan.

Darkstripe: (whines) But he's a kittypet!

Sandpaw: Exactly!

Bluestar: Step forward.

Rusty steps forward.

Bluestar: Rusty, you have reached the age of six moons and have decided to join-

Darkstripe: (whines) He's a kittypet, Bluestar! How can you let another soft mouth join us?

Rusty: (swats at Darkstripe's nose, leaving a scrape) Shut up, wimp.

Darkstripe: YAAH! (pounces)

Line

**Author's Note: I hate Darkstripe, and I think Longtail is cute. So naturally, plot changes.**

Line

Rusty: (rolls to left) Can't catch me. Nyah, nyah, nyah nyah nyah.

Darkstripe: I'll get you! (swats at Rusty)

Rusty: (dives forward and bites hard into Darkstripe's other foreleg) You suck.

Darkstripe: (wails) OW! WAAH! I WANT MY MOMMY!

Rusty: If that doesn't count as a fail, I don't know what does.

Longtail, Lionheart, Mousefur, Whitestorm, Graypaw and Ravenpaw: GO RUSTEH!

Dustpaw: (glares) What is wrong with them?

Sandpaw: Bees in their brains?

Rusty pushes the larger tom into the gorse bush.

Darkstripe: AAHHH! LONGTAIL SAVE ME!

Longtail: WTF Darkstripe…It's your fault you got into this fight in the first place.

Bluestar: StarClan, this sure is boring. Maybe I should just get rid of that collar?

Rusty: (pounces onto Darkstripe and sinks front claws into ears) TAKE THAT!

Darkstripe: (kicks Rusty in his unmentionables, while squealing like a girl) GET OFF!

Bluestar: Great StarClan! ThunderClan has lost yet another kit-maker.

Rusty: (gets up) You'll need to be stronger than that, pansy!

Spottedleaf: OMG Rusty you're so cool! I love you! (faints)

Halftail: Really, this is not half as nearly interesting as the fights I got into as a kit.

Rusty: Die! (pins Darkstripe down and bites into his ear)

Darkstripe: Tigerclaw save me!

Longtail: (looks into the warrior den) He's still crying.

Mousefur: (nudges Longtail) I knew you'd be smart enough to see that.

Dustpaw: (turns away from them) Great StarClan, that was disgusting.

Darkstripe: MOMMY! WAAH! THIS EVIL KITTYPET IS KILLING ME! (sobs)

Bluestar: Great StarClan! (closes her eyes and mutters)

Rusty: (collar breaks) My collar disappeared!

Whitestorm: (sober) Nice, Rusty! You are now accepted into the clan.

Darkstripe: I hate you Bluestar! Why are you helping this _kittypet_? (jumps onto Highrock and claws at Bluestar)

Bluestar: I'm your leader, idiot! Get the fuzz away from me, or I'll flay you!

Darkstripe: YOU SHOULD BE THINKING ABOUT THE CLAN! WHY DID YOU HELP HIM?

Bluestar: Go away! (claws Darkstripe)

Darkstripe: Dang you! (ignores bloody forehead and reaches toward Bluestar's face)

Bluestar: (jumps back) If you don't go away, then I'll kill you.

Darkstripe: (limps onto the rock) I still hate you.

Bluestar: Don't be concerned, I hate you too. (claws Darkstripe's shoulders into shreds)

Darkstripe: AAH! (backs away)

Bluestar: Go away. For the last time! (pushes Darkstripe off the Highrock)

Dustpaw: Oof! (flattened by Darkstripe)

Darkstripe: WHITESTORM! WHY WERE YOU SUPPORTING THE KITTYPET?

Whitestorm: He is _not_ a kittypet, _Dirttripe_!

Lionheart: Now, Dark_kit_, could you just go to the emo corner and leave the clan in PEACE?

Darkstripe: NO! DIE YOU KITTY LOVER! (pounces at Whitestorm)

Whitestorm: You're getting me? Don't bother, I'm stronger and less stupid than you.

Lionheart: YAY! SICK 'EM, WHITESTORM!

Darkstripe: (misses Whitestorm and blunders into the bramble nursery) My poor pelt!

Whitestorm: FAIL! (claws at Darkstripe's butt)

Darkstripe: AAH! My poor butt! I was saving it for Tigerclaw's use!

Whitestorm: WHAT? (faints)

Darkstripe: (turns and charges at Lionheart) I hate you! Die traitor!

Lionheart: Watch what you're saying, IDIOT.

Darkstripe: I AM NOT AN IDIOT!

Lionheart: (claws Darkstripe's other ear) Too SLOW.

Darkstripe: My ear! (turns back to Rusty)

Rusty: (bites Darkstripe's injured front leg again)

Spottedleaf: C'mon, let me bring him in.

Darkstripe: I love you Bluestar.

Smallear: A bi cat? I haven't seen that since the days of Pinestar himself.

Bluestar: (wails) Great StarClan, what is ThunderClan coming to?

Darkstripe: My poor ears! My poor forehead! My poor leg! My poor but-

Rusty: PWNED!

Bluestar: Rusty, until you receive your warrior name, you will be known as Firepaw.

Whitestorm: Holy crap, I don't think even Spottedleaf will be able to save his butt.

Tigerclaw: (walks out, eyes red) Bluestar? I love you.

Redtail: (appears from nowhere and chokes) WHAT THE…?

Lionheart: Er...Tigerclaw, are you sure you don't need any more chamomile for YOURSELF?

Whitestorm: I'll go get some from Spottedleaf for him. (into medicine den)

Bluestar: What a normal day.

Firepaw: This place is so fuzzed up…

Graypaw: Exactly!

Bluestar: (sings) Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage.

Firepaw: At least the singing was better than Smudge.

Smallear: I think the lyrics said "Cat in a rage", not "rat in a cage".

Dappletail: I think it was "Despite all my cage, I am still just a rat in a rage."

One-eye: You're both wrong! It's "despite all my rage, I am still just a cat in a cage."

Halftail: No, it's "Despite all my cage, I am still just a cat in a cage."

Speckletail: ALL WRONG! THERE'S NO "JUST" IN THIS LINE!

Bluestar: SHUT UP OR I WILL MAKE YOU! I'LL STAB ALL OF YOU WITH STICKS!

Smudge: (appears from nowhere) NOOOOO BLUEY YOU JUST MADE A DISGUSTING INNUENDO! LET ME BRING YOU TO MY HOUSE FOLK AND YOU WILL NEVER EVER AGAIN HAVE TO LISTEN TO THESE DISGUSTING FOREST CATS AGAIN!

Firepaw: AAH! The schizo kittypet comes again! (clings onto Ravenpaw)

Ravenpaw: AAH! An intruder! (runs into nursery)

Sandpaw: Gah! Another kittypet! (hides behind Dustpaw)

Dustpaw: Maybe we should get away from that black and white crazy moron. (carries Sandpaw into nursery)

Longtail: The kittypet form of Stargleam is here again? (attacks Smudge)

Bluestar: (mumbles) I don't like this.

Smudge: (in Justin Beaver tone) Don't worry, I won't make you mate with me. By the way, I don't really like these innuendos you keep making.

Bluestar: KITTYPET! You will never understand love. I've heard from Crookedstar that you tried to do Leopardfur, and Firepaw said you've been harassing him and another kittypet.

Smudge: EW! Why did that Crookedstar use that innuendo? I never wanted to mate with her!

Bluestar: After all, why did you even hear of me and Leopardfur? Were you spying?

Cats: (gasp) AAH! STALKER!

Smudge: I have no interest in the other cats, Blue.

Whitestorm: Then why are you here?

Smudge: To be with BLUEY!

Smallear: WHAT THE HELL! I HAVE NO FUZZING IDEA WHY I HAVE TO FACE THIS SCHIZO PEDO CAT? WHAT THE FUZZ? (brings the elders into their den)

Bluestar: (frantic) Smudge, tell me why you love me over all the other cats.

Lionheart: I don't think this is for all EARS. (makes Longtail and all the she-cats hide in the nursery) Anyway, I hope that kitty doesn't come inside HERE.

Smudge: EW! WHAT A DISGUSTING INNUENDO!

Bluestar: JUST FUZZING ANSWER ME, A$$H*LE! StarClan!

Whitestorm: Oh StarClan…

Smudge: (grins stupidly) Bluestar, don't swear! It's not good.

Bluestar: (exhausted) Oh StarClan. Just tell me why you love me.

Lionheart: (mutters to Tigerclaw) if he says a word wrong, I'll kill him.

Smudge: I love you, Bluestar, because you feel…so mannish.

Longtail: (gasp) What…what did the kittypet say?

Bluestar: (angry) KILL HIM!

The whole Clan, including elders, pounce onto Smudge.

Firepaw: I am still a bit traumatized by Smudge's wooing…(hides behind Ravenpaw)

Longtail: (looks at mass of cats) I've already attacked the kitty once. Let the others have a chance. (into warrior den)

Whitestorm: I feel like a bite of catmint. (goes into medicine den)

Lionheart: Oh StarClan, I better go stop Whitestorm from overdosing. (follows)

Mousefur: (holds part of Smudge's tail in mouth)

Runningwind: (Lifts Smudge up and throws him onto the ground)

Dustpaw: CRAP I'M GONNA KILL THIS KITTYPET! (claws Smudge's face)

Brindleface: I HATE THIS KITTYPET! (claws Smudge's belly)

Smudge: AAH! (runs toward entrance)

Patchpelt: Not so fast! (claws Smudge's bleeding tail)

Redtail: (rips out half of Smudge's remaining fur)

Smudge: AAH! (runs into brambles)

Lionheart: LOL.

Whitestorm: (high on catmint) HEY! YOU KITTYPET, STOP RIGHT THERE!

Smudge: (whimpers) Oh no.

Lionheart: Wait, Whitestorm, what are you-

Whitestorm: CATMINT STEALER! (viciously attacks)

White fur and black fur fly into the air.

Lionheart: Holy MOLY!

Squeals and growls are heard as Whitestorm and Smudge tussle.

Lionheart: Oh StarClan, this is sure getting BORING.

Whitestorm: (throws Smudge to Twolegplace) Problem solved.

Lionheart: …

-Scene 2-

Tigerclaw: But Bluestar, I love you!

The rest of the Clan chokes on their morning meals.

Bluestar: Tigerclaw. You know that I already had kits with Thrushpelt, and now that I'm a leader, I won't be able to spend time with you now.

Tigerclaw: But you can just retire and let Redtail become leader.

Bluestar: You can't do that.

Tigerclaw: (shocked) You don't love me?

Redtail: Did someone mention my name?

Lionheart: Er…nobody.

Bluestar: (to Tigerclaw) Of course I don't. I never did.

Tigerclaw: But we kissed!

Bluestar: You forced me.

All cats choke again.

Tigerclaw: (sniffs) I didn't! You said you were feeling lonely after Thrushpelt died.

Smallear: How did he die, anyway? He was quite healthy.

Bluestar: He…er…he caught swine flu.

Clan: What food?

Director: CUT! Just say greencough. Action!

Cinderkit: Hi everyone!

Director: Cut! You're supposed to wait for the second movie! Action!

Tigerclaw: I am _**SO**_ traumatized.

Firepaw: Ah, the beauty of stupidity.


	4. All Your Plot Are Belong To Us

**As usual, I don't own anything. Review! Flamers go hook up with Smudge or get high on catmint. Any more flames will result in disembowelment. And I might be serious. Good reviews and constructive critics appreciated.**

Firepaw: I gotta hunt.

Graypaw: I'm coming with you.

Smudge: (falls from a tree) AAH! AN UNDISGUISED INNUENDO!

Firepaw and Graypaw: AAAHHH!

Whitestorm: CATMINT THIEF! (pounces)

Smudge: AAH! (runs off)

Tigerclaw and Ravenpaw on.

Tigerclaw: Ravenpaw, go get Goldenflower.

Ravenpaw off.

Graypaw: What was that for?

Tigerclaw: (tires to act important) I am going to teach you some basic moves.

Lionheart: I'll help you demonstrate them, if you don't MIND.

Graypaw: YAY!

Dustpaw and Sandpaw on, Whitestorm following them.

Whitestorm: Darkstripe got injured so I had to mentor Dustpaw too. And I'm not even allowed to clean away the stale catmint anymore!

Lionheart: (snorts) I bet you just want to get high on it and then attack a random SHE-CAT.

Tigerclaw: Watch us demonstrate the moves first. Then practice in pairs.

Whitestorm: Hmph!

Tigerclaw: (charges)

Lionheart: (jumps away)

Tigerclaw: (flails at LIonheart) AAH! (falls)

Lionheart: This is a demonstration of how you shouldn't perform a front paw STRIKE.

Whitestorm: (charges at Tigerclaw) GIVE ME MY CATMINT!

Tigerclaw: (stumbles to his feet)

Whitestorm: (swiftly shifts to side and claws Tigerclaw's flank) TAKE THAT!

Lionheart: The symptoms of catmint withdrawal includes unexplained AGGRESSION.

Tigerclaw: OUCH! (bleeds from side)

Goldenflower: (on) Tigerclaw, what did you want me…WHAT HAPPENED?

Firepaw: Catmint withdrawal.

Graypaw: Even though Whitestorm's last overdose was three sunrises ago.

Sandpaw: That must be sad, having to live on catmint and be stupid.

Firepaw: That was mean. (cuffs her on her head)

Sandpaw: (sobs)

Dustpaw: Am I supposed to comfort her?

Director: Cut! Dustpaw, you can't because you will later fall in love with Ferncloud.

Sandpaw: THAT REALLY HURT, FIREPAW! YOU B$†RD!

Firepaw: SharpFang never told me how hard it was supposed to be.

The Sharp: WTF? Don't blame everything on me. Without me, you'd still be a rogue.

Dustpaw: I always said that kittypets suck.

The Sharp: Shut up.

Director: Action!

-Scene 2-

Firepaw: (chokes on vole fur) How do you eat this?

Graypaw: Look. (pokes claw into a mouse's tail tip and pushes forward)

Firepaw: (spits out fur) Like that?

Graypaw: Yes. (flicks paw upward and splits skin in half) And now you can do that to your vole. Be careful not to dig too far in. By the way, you don't actually have to skin your vole.

Firepaw: Then how am I supposed to eat?

Graypaw: Rub it on a rock. The fur will fall off.

Firepaw: …Okay. (rubs vole on gray furry lump, which Firepaw assumes as a mossy rock)

Stonefur: Doing you what, Thunder cat?

Firepaw: You're a stone, are you?

Stonefur: No! Cat is me, like you.

Graypaw: WAIT! RiverClan cat, what are you doing here?

Stonefur: Me steal Sunning rocks for River Main!

Graypaw: (whispers to Firepaw) That's dyslalia. It has something to do with their fish.

Firepaw: I see. Should we report him to Bluestar?

Graypaw: No.

Firepaw: Why?

Ravenpaw: (runs around screaming) AAAHH! THERE'S AN EMEMY CAT IN OUR CAMP! AAAHHH! WE'RE GOING TO GET INVADED! AAAAHHHHHHHHHH! IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD! OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH NNNOOOOOOO!

Graypaw: (facepalm) I don't know what happened to you, Ravenpaw.

Sandpaw: He's an idiot anyway.

Firepaw: That's mean. (hits Sandpaw's head)

Graypaw: What the fuzz Firepaw? Sandpaw is currently the most beautiful she-cat in all the Clans, and she has the most influence over all the she-cats. Unless you want to be alone forever, it's best you get on her good side.

Firepaw: I have different tastes.

Graypaw: …

Sandpaw: Maybe Rusty-oh, I mean Firepaw likes toms more. (makes squinty eyes)

Dustpaw: So, what do you think, fagpaw?

Firepaw: Shut up. (claws Dustpaw's ear)

Ravenpaw: (screams) AAH! FIREPAW ATTACKED DUSTPAW AND SANDPAW! AHHHH! IT'S GOING TO BE THE END OF THE WORLD! NOOOOO! (faints)

-Scene 3-

Lionheart: ThunderClan is the only normal clan in the forest.

Graypaw: I know we're normal. But why are we the only one?

Lionheart: RiverClan suffers from dyslalia. WindClan is all schizophrenic and bipolar. ShadowClan all suffers from multiple personality disorder.

Firepaw: Cool.

Graypaw: Do these disorders affect their ability to fight?

Lionheart: RiverClan sucks anyway. WindClan and ShadowClan will act weirdly.

Firepaw: I see.

-Scene 3.1-

(ShadowClan camp)

Blackfoot: Get me a rabbit, Bluepaw.

Littlepaw: Yes, Grayclaw.

Brokenstar: (thinking) Hmm. I've already created twenty personalities in each of them. That means when we go into battle, even if one of them die, the rest of their personalities will continue to fight. And I already stole Volepaw's five hundred personalities which I can add to more cats to make.

Littlepaw: Hi. Have a good day, Windpaw?

Tallpoppy: Not really. What about you, Icepaw?

Littlepaw: Nah. I can't remember what happened just now, but now I am getting a rabbit for somebody.

Whitepaw: I think Bluepaw was getting a rabbit for Grayclaw.

Littlepaw: Alright. (picks up rabbit and walks toward Blackfoot)

Blackfoot: A rabbit? It's Grayclaw that's hungry, not me. By the way, I'm Darkkit.

Littlepaw: Oh hi, Darkkit. Anyway, save the rabbit for Grayclaw.

Blackfoot: Kay. But Snowstripe says he's also hungry.

Littlepaw: Then tell Grayclaw to stop Snowstripe.

Blackfoot: Okay. Grayclaw!

Littlepaw: So, I better get going. Bluepaw's hungry.

-Back in ThunderClan's camp-

Director: According to the script (which is written in SharpFang's super sloppy handwriting), Firepaw and Graypaw are supposed to be eating by the freeze…wait, I can't understand what she wrote. (tries to read with a magnifying glass)

SharpFang: (snatches script away) Get the fresh kill pile ready. Tigerclaw, get off the stage and wait for your cue. Ravenpaw, have you memorized the script? Get off the stage and go on once the filming starts. And by the way, all other warriors either stay in your dens or eat under the bushes. Dustpaw, you, Sandpaw, Firepaw and Graypaw will be eating by the pile. And I'll sack anyone who doesn't behave.

All cats: (get into position)

Director: Three, two, one, action!

Cameraman: (punches camera) This fuzzing thing isn't working!

SharpFang: (walks over) Dude, you're not supposed to film yourself. (turns camera) There.

Director: Action!

Ravenpaw: (runs in screaming) AAHHH! AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I MUST CRY! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! REDTAIL! ! NOOOO! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!REDTAILWHYDIDYOUDIE!NOOOOOOOOREDTAILWHY? (faints)

SharpFang: (mutters to director) I think he might have overdone it.

Director: (mutters) True. (speaks) Cut! Good take! Someone put Ravenpaw on life support!

-Backstage-

Tigerclaw: Why am I even doing this? (Pours another bucket of blood red dye over Redtail's asleep body)

Redtail: (snores)

SharpFang: Hope I spiked his mouse with enough sleeping pills. (takes another bottle full of sleeping pills out of leather jacket) Here. (empties bottle into Redtail's mouth)

Tigerclaw: Hope you don't kill him. O.o

-ThunderClan's camp-

Director: Is the preparation work done?

SharpFang: (appears, smiling maniacally) I suppose so.

Director: Action!

Goldenflower: What happened to Ravenpaw? (walks over and inspects him)

Halftail: I don't think anyone should touch him.

Darkstripe: (pounces onto Ravenpaw) This is my chance!

All warriors: DUDE! STOP RIGHT THERE! THE WARRIOR CODE FORBIDS GAYNESS!

Darkstripe: I was just trying to help Spottedleaf!

Spottedleaf: What happened? (looks shyly at Firepaw) Oh hi, Firey.

Firepaw: (shy) Oh hi, Spotty.

All warriors: (choke) The fuzz…

Tigerclaw: (on, dragging the bloody dead body of Redtail)

All: (gasp) What happened?

Tigerclaw: Redtail's…dead. I was too busy fighting Stonefur to notice Oakheart murdering him. But I killed Oakheart in response! (Holds up a lump of bloody red-brown fur)

Brindleface: OH NO! NOT MY REDTAILY! (pounces onto Redtail and sobs uncontrollably)

Sandpaw: My dad! (pounces onto Redtail and sobs)

Dustpaw: My mentor! (mutters) Not that I'll act like a she-cat over him anyway.

Bluestar: (jumps down from Highrock) HOW DARE YOU! HOW DARE YOU KILL MY BELOVED OA-REDTAIL! YOU ARE HEREBY BANISHED!

Lionheart: Bluestar, who are you talking to?

Bluestar: Tigerclaw. You no-good, crowfood eating, foxdung smelling, mousedung filled, fish-brained, fox-hearted, snake-tongued, evil traitor!

Tigerclaw: I-I-I-I n-never killed Redtail.

Oakheart: (walks in) Tigerclaw didn't kill me either. I saw him jumping off some other cat, and he pinned me down. But then he yelled, "No!" and ran off screaming like a dying mouse.

Bluestar: What about the lump of fur?

Tigerclaw: I'm sorry, I'm really sorry! I shouldn't have killed Oakheart. After all, he's the only non-dyslalic RiverClan left. (sobs) Oh no why did I kill him. I'm sorry! I broke the warrior code! I'm sorry! (sobs hysterically)

Longtail: (sighs) What a drama drag queen.

Oakheart: He took that lump of fur off a dead fox and soaked it in Redtail's blood.

Brindleface: Did Tigerclaw apply CPR onto Redtail?

Oakheart: I saw him doing something like that. He dragged Redtail away from where the fighting was, and then went to do it.

Bluestar: So he's innocent.

Smallear: Or he may be a necrophile.

All apprentices: o.O

Tigerclaw: So, shall I bury Oakheart?

Oakheart: I'm not dead.

Tigerclaw: Oh Redtail! I'm sorry you're not dead! (mutters) But you will be. (bends over and bites into Redtail's throat, crushing the windpipe and opening the artery)

Cats: (not noticing) Redtail, are you…

Tigerclaw: (wails) OH NO! REDTAIL JUST DIED! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

**This is shorter than the average chapter. Sorry for that. I am currently annotating Starkit's Prophecy and I might do a story on the Clans fighting Justin Bieber and the PMRC. Send me the ideas! Everything useful is much appreciated.**


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